|
Objective Observer
Weekly newsletter from the Objective Observatory offers a pithy insight into the inner workings of Anguillian Society.
All content is (c) 1993-2006 by RK Publications and reflects the views of the author.
|
|
|
|
| |
While our Staff has its specialists, we don’t have a Prognosticator. This week, we had planned to carry on about the practice of all news organizations planting their hapless reporters outside in uncomfortable places to give an air of immediacy to their tales. The reporter on the White House lawn somehow is supposed to carry more weight than if he (or she) was sitting at a desk. On CNBC, our Revered Investment Guru reports, no Federal Reserve announcement is complete without the hapless reporter stationed outside the Fed’s palazzo, for no good reason. Further, as the Presidential candidates flap around the U.S., CNN is putting its talk show hosts outside its bus in the wind and rain, again to no purpose. Well, that’s what we had planned to complain about, when suddenly Hurricane Charley hit this week, and every respectable weather reporter put on the rain gear and got out to show you that it is stupid to be outside in a hurricane. And so, yes we see now, it is.
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
In case you have been buried in a hole in rural Iraq for the last few months, the U.S. is holding an election. In addition to the usual political ads [“My name is Sonorous J. Flatulent and I approved this advertisement”] we now have all sorts of shabby attack ads by supposedly independent groups. The latest features some character who wasn’t in Kerry’s Viet Nam boats, but says his [Kerry’s] medals weren't “earned”. Our favorite Republican, Sen. McCain, said this stuff was disgusting and dishonorable. We have an idea to save our sanity and allow more time to watch Wheel of Fortune replays: let’s get both parties to switch to John McCain, and elect him by acclamation. That’s what the Republicans should have done last time. We don’t agree with everything McCain says, but he is honest, blunt, says what he thinks, and he opposes pork spending. Think of the money we’d save!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Our Chief Proofreader is still smarting from not correcting “Wolky” to “Wolfy” a while back, when we were citing the trio of Cheney, Rummy and Wolfy. As a small amend, he offers the remarkable name of Homayoon Kazerooni, a Professor at Berkeley. He, perhaps you knew (ha!), is the inventor of the Berkeley Lower Extremity Exoskeleton, or BLEEK. This gadget allows a hapless experimentee to carry enormous weight while looking as if swallowed by a mantis. We thought you ought to know.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
The arrival of the 9/11 report, bipartisan and unanimous, following on the heels of the Senate Intelligence Committee report, equally bi- and unan-, causes postponement of our scheduled topic until next week. Both reports talk of “Intelligence” failures. We concur that there is a distinct lack of Intelligence in Washington these days. Yet, no one has suggested creating a Cabinet post of Secretary of Stupidity. So, it is our urgent duty this week to give you our list of the top recent instances of Stupidity in Washington. [Someday we might give you a local list, but meanwhile, hey, we have to live here.]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
In Washington, though not in The Valley (the Anguillian capital), it is a time of angry reports. The Senate Intelligence Committee, bless 'em, has come out with its “scathing” and bipartisan report on the U.S. Intelligence about Iraq, and the 9/11 Commission, also bipartisan, is about to emerge this week with another set of nasty comments on Federal bureaucratic mistakes. This is an auspicious time for our current message. To start our topic, we have to give some weighty advice to the young who are set to embark on their careers. Our advice is, get a job in a bureaucracy, large or small, International or National, big or little Government, Corporate or do-good. Any bureaucracy will do, and will give you an opportunity for a lifetime to avoid any accountability for your mistakes. No other jobs are so plated with protection, so safe for the incompetent.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Let's get right to it. Next week is for the U.S. Senate Intelligence Committee report describing the absence of same (intelligence) in C.I.A. assessments of the threat from Saddam, who has proved more a threat to good taste in palace-building than a WMD threat. Today we consider Spam, not Spam ™ the pork ... er ... substance, but Spam those thousands of unwanted and disgusting e-mails cluttering up every in-box on the globe. We know of nothing so universally considered vile except certain practices involving goats and sea slugs. Nevertheless, we are pledged to be analytic and dispassionate, so let's do it, if you know what we mean.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Before turning to the significant public policy portion of this column, we have to deal with much stuff cluttering up the Staff Workroom. First, AOL is treating our Readers shamefully, blocking shipments of our deathless prose, then blocking re-sends, then blocking messages telling AOL users to protest to AOL. It is Fascism – if AOL says you are spam, you're spam, even if your message is requested, contains no advertising, sells nothing, and contains no bad words known to VP Cheney. AOL users, look around – there are many better and cheaper e-mail and web-browsing services. And besides, it is time you upgraded to broadband, anyway. We're getting mad. Meanwhile, protest to AOL, and then go to the site where this column is always posted:
www.anguillaguide.com/article/archive/84
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Our Tech Manager, responsible for sending out these weekly gems, reports that we are having repeated troubles with Readers who use AOL for their e-mails. Although AOL is pricier than other providers, it seems to have taken into its head that the OO column is – can you believe? – spam. Our last column was rejected for all AOL Readers, saying 92 attempts were made to reach them. Then, re-sent columns were rejected as “no content in message” – and that really hurt. On the third try, with messages sent in groups of three, some got through, but others still were said to have “no content” (oof!). Fourth tries, sent with recipients' names shown, again mostly got through. A few fifth tries, and one last Reader needed a sixth transmission. Please, if you are an AOL user, put us on your approved senders list (as ubob@anguillnet.com).
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Readers, shift yourselves into philosophical mood, lotus position not required. Ready? Then consider the words of Friedrich Schiller: “What one refuses in a minute, no eternity will return”. This deep thought is appropriate to any number of highly significant non-events. For example we give you first Colin Powell, much esteemed, experienced, knowledgeable. He has missed, irretrievably, his high place in history. He could have quit when Bush invaded Iraq (we promise not to carry on too much this week about the Iraq Botch). He didn't, and instead showed cartoons to the Security Council. Scratch one potential Great Man. And then, this week, there is Clinton again.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Years back, feminine cleavage (frontal) was much esteemed, and refined ladies referred to their “Décolletage”. This last week, the OO, with only limited Staff support, flew to Los Angeles and stayed on Sunset in West Hollywood. Here, the view of the younger female L.A. set was frightening. It is the rear that is now décolleté, with all pants far below the belt, and with the ... er ... point above the cleavage adorned with a tattoo. In front, the belly button is on display, again adorned with a tattoo, while all space on the ears, nose, and sometimes lips is pierced as if by a mad torturer. Frightening!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
The Ballad of Abu Ghraib Gaol [OO #551]
The OO is off to Los Angeles for a week, and the Staff has the week off. On return there will be an L.A. report, as usual. Meanwhile, since you Readers all play guitar, here's something to sing:
* The Ballad of Abu Ghraib Gaol *
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Let us dispose of some office business. (a) An error crept into the last OO. That poisonous fat cleric Muckytoadie in Iraq is a Shia, and not a Sunni; thanks to Reader HA. (b) We also thank all those (save one) who responded to the OO's Personal Message. Of the replies, over 95% were laudatory, but two offered strong (yet wrong) defenses of the Big Botch in Iraq; these two are welcomed, as all civil dissent is here. One reply was simply abusive, and called the OO a “S.O.B.”. The response was severe: he received a reply calling him a “Pottymouth”, and, as the ultimate punishment, he was cut off the OO list. One common element in the responses of those who disagreed was that they called this column, our Staff, and the OO himself “Liberal” as an ultimate insult.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Pick20 [OO #549]
So, at the Kentucky Derby, there was an offer out of a prize of $5 million if anyone could pick the 20 horses entered in order of finish. We asked our Investment Guru (the Revered one, or R.I.G.) to figure it out, and he says the chances are 20 times 19 times 18 times 17 ... or 20 factorial , written 20! On our HP pocket calculator that seems to be 2,432 followed by 15 zeroes. Don't spend your winnings.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
A Personal Message from The OO
This is not a regular Objective Observer column. Our regular column tries, as the name implies, to be objective, to see different sides, and to point out ridiculous behavior in the United States, in Anguilla, or in the world, without paying the slightest attention to the prevalent and stupid use of labels such as “Liberal” or “Conservative”, which have long become meaningless. Readers often flog our Staff for being Lib or Con, but they are simply complaining when their pet balloons are pricked. This week is different, and the OO speaks from the heart, and a sore heart.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
The TV waves are stuffed with self-designated experts on all subjects. Unlike our own Staff practice, where no Staffer is allowed to sound off on any complex subject without adequate training and the appropriate degree, any big mouth on TV can pontificate on foreign policy, morality, or economics. We viewers are safe if we remember that the very mouthiest have firmly fixed views (e.g., Bob Novak, who is pro-plutocracy), and we can discard almost all they say as repetitive and meaningless. “Crossfire” on CNN is mere noise. Yet, it is an election year and all are babbling about the chanciest and most complex of matters – that is, Economics – of which they plainly know nothing at all. We explicate.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
The entire Staff, nem. con. [nemine contradicente – brush up on your stuffy Latin tags] votes a non-partisan award to the U.S. Commission investigating the 9-11 attacks. Here are 10 politicians, 5 Dems, 5 Reps, carefully and methodically investigating, and working together with mutual respect. Over the bitter White House opposition to the whole effort, and over attempts to withhold documents and refuse witnesses for the usual secrecy and ExecPriv claims, they have persevered with mutual respect and collegiality. Americans should be proud. To the foaming-mouth Republicans who fear a bipartisan report and so have attacked members for previous service in a (horrors) non-Rep administration, our tattered dismerit badge for extra-cheap politics. Shame on you, Sensenbrenner! Chew a Sen-Sen.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
The Staff meeting this week was unusually acrimonious. Our Ethicist was insistent on discussing the assassinations of two successive Hamas leaders; he wanted a column considering why, or whether, killing a Chief Murderer should be questioned, when no one has any problem with shooting a terrorist trying to blow up a few dozen school children, or with a lot of “Collateral Damage” when bombing anyone we disapprove of. Is it only a permissible good thing to kill the innocent and not the guilty? Why are leaders preaching death not a fair target? Our Political Branch (recently strengthened) proposed denouncing a counter terrorism policy in the U.S. that does nothing about ten or more million illegal immigrants, while making 3-year olds take off their shoes when boarding a plane. Finally, our Circulation Manager noted that our Readers, while generally sympathetic to our views, are getting their fill of the incompetent mess in Iraq, and would like us to give it a rest, already. In the end, we decided on a non-political rant about modern packaging and magazine trash (the physical kind).
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
It is difficult for our Staff to remain focused, what with the veritable blizzards of news now assaulting the Observatory. Take just a single example from the recently-arrived copy of The Economist. It seems that a certain Dr. Ditto [a name that arouses every detective instinct] of the University of Florida has been busy with his team of researchers. They have “made a logic element out of a pair of leech neurons (nerve cells from blood-sucking worms) placed on a microchip.” We have enough computer problems here – and disburse enough on maintenance – without worrying about feeding our computers with an arterial tap. Re-direct your researches, Prof Ditto, or we will cut off your funding, and your blood bank account, too.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Once more we have to call on the deep and profound wisdom of our Readers. In a recent article in Time, there was a review of a book titled Skeletons of the Zahara. [Readers of course know that “Zahara” is an alternate spelling of “Sahara”.] The book is about a shipwrecked captain, James Riley, whose brig was shipwrecked and with his crew, and all were “taken as slaves by the Boo Shaa, a tribe of nomadic arabs who scratched out a perilous living in the Sahara, trading and feuding and drinking surprising amounts of camel urine.” We wished to call this curious sentence to your attention – since drinking any camel urine is surprising – but first, we checked out the name of the tribe on Google. Well, there is simply no Google reference to the Boo Shaa, nor one to the Bou Shaa, nor the Boo Shia. We also went to that well-known [to you] web site www.learnassyrian.com, where there was no help to be found, either. So, we task you, erudite Readers, with checking this out. Otherwise, we'll have to buy the book.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Since Readers are well versed in science, we are sure you know what Chelation is (quoting Guru Net):
Chemistry. To combine (a metal ion) with a chemical compound to form a ring.
Medicine. To remove (a heavy metal, such as lead or mercury) from the bloodstream by means of a chelate ...
The trouble with science and medicine, of course, is that they are always offering some brilliant invention that is of no use whatever in one's current dire strait [there is a singular of “straits”, isn't there?]. Upon return from Atlanta to Anguilla, the Staff here has been immersed in throwing out old files, trying to fix dead computers, and watching the totally abysmal political commercials and the horrible news from the Iraq morass. What is needed, boffins [good English word] is some method of compressing the news that one does NOT wish to see again and replacing it with, say, a clip of Marlene Dietrich singing “See what the boys in the back room will have ...” [the OO's all time favorite movie scene]. Such electronic Chelation would be worth billions and a Nobel prize.
|
|
|
|
|
